For the first time in years, words are building up inside of me. And yet they still struggle to rise to the surface, to reach the forefront of my mind and heart so that I may pen them. Years and layers of fear, denial, doubt and pain have built a seemingly impenetrable fortress around them. But I hear them. They are clanging and ricocheting around, determined to be released because they have an important message to share. So, here I am, trying to break a hole in the wall, and even if they can only come out one at a time I can’t help but be relieved that they are finally here.
Fear. Subtle and complex, yet refreshingly simple in its origin and source. The source of my fear is fear of rejection, which manifests in an unhealthy need for acceptance. I fought to adapt my dreams and desires into ones which would be accepted by conventional society. I forced my life choices to fit into a path that was bound by the parameters of what I was told was possible. This led to the denial of my inherent spirit and essence. While it seems obvious to me now, the tricky part is that fear is devious. It works on levels so profound that by the time you recognize it, it has already laid down deep and intricate roots that permeate multiple areas of your life. It can manifest in the form of doubt, a lack of self-worth, and branches into other forms of fear – fear of loss, fear of lack, fear of loneliness, fear of tragedy, etc. And yet…
Hope. This is a story not of fear, but of hope.
I’ve lived what’s felt like a year in the past six months. While I’m here to share the stunning and what I hope to be, inspiring, end result, bear in mind that this has come about from six months of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical labor. Months of therapy, addressing trauma, battling through health challenges, chanting, journaling, countless tears, deep reflection, and most importantly, honestly looking at all aspects of who I am – the parts that I love, and the parts that I’m ashamed of – and learning to accept and love them all.
The result of that journey – I’m now proud to announce the establishment of Nina Lee, Inc. Metaphorically speaking. As I grow into my womanhood, as I stride into this next chapter of my life, I do so fully committed to continually turning inward, prioritizing my spirit, my voice, my dreams. It is time to invest in myself, in my heart, my mind, my mission. Like any new startup, it will come with ups and downs, but this first piece of writing that I am publishing in years, is my promise to myself.
Context. I have been a teacher for as long as I can remember, and probably in past lives that I cannot. It is the core of who I am. However, what it means to be a teacher and contribute to the field of education in the US is limited to certain roles, you are bound by policies and decisions that are beyond your power, and you are forced to enact them on the frontlines, outraged at the brokenness of it all. Burnout finally got to me, but when I thought about leaving the classroom, an existential crisis struck. Teaching was my identity for almost all of my life, it was my life passion, a dedication which I felt was embedded into my DNA, and here I was questioning it.
This triggered profound questions and reflections on what I want to accomplish in this lifetime, how to do it, and what it would look like. I sought to anchor myself in the familiar, in what felt most secure and safe, rather than venture into the gaping black abyss of the unknown. However, the universe was on my side, and I was pushed to not only recognize my fear, but look beyond it.
Lesson. We must push beyond the limits of what we think to be possible, and tap into the inherent power we possess to create. Is that not what it means to be human? How can we possibly create, expand, grow, or move forward if we do not relinquish (a false and flawed sense of) control and certainty? As we struggle through unprecedented times and the future of our world fractures before our eyes, it is a clear cry from the universe to open ourselves to the unknown rather than shrink away from it. If you walk a path that has a pre-determined outline, and are only looking straight ahead, you are blind to the unlimited doors of possibilities beyond your imagination that will happily open for you.
When I recognized this and I turned inward, looking beyond my fear and using it as a launching pad towards my happiness, I gave myself permission to dream again. I realized that my heart lies in another part of this world. This fall, I return to Spain, where I previously lived for five years. I return for me. This fall, I start my PhD in Value-Creating Education for Global Citizenship. I do this for me. When people ask me for details, or about my plan, I smile and say, “I don’t know, but I am happy and it will all work out” because my journey is for me. What I do know is that this next part of my journey will take shape in the most beautiful and unique way that is the best for my life and happiness. What I do know, in the depths of my heart, in the fiber of my being, is that I was put on this planet to contribute something unique to this world (just as we all were). The confines of the current structures, systems, and expectations in place are not for me. Just as the words inside of me are trying to break out of the walls that trap them, my essence, my mission, my spirit will shatter the walls of what we are told is possible. What I will give birth to is beyond what I, or anyone else, can imagine. And when it is birthed, I know it will help move our world forward.
Nina Lee, Inc. I promise to return to my starting point, my essence, in times of joy and times of fear. I promise to embrace the unknown, to be open to the impossible, to tap into the inherent power of the Universe that I possess within me. I promise to pursue my happiness for myself, and to strive to support others in seeking and finding theirs. I promise to continue to break down the walls that have trapped the words within, so that I may share them with the world. I will strive to live continuously with a spirit of radiance, gratitude, and hope.
P.S. That black abyss of the unknown – I no longer see a black abyss. Instead, I am gazing into the vast, unending expanse of the Universe, full of color, stars, planets, galaxies…full of creation.
