What a journey it has been for me to awaken to my desire to return to Spain. It was full of tears, joy, anxiety, fear, anticipation and profound gratitude. The black emptiness of despair had turned into a wide expanse of possibilities - the space and freedom to write a story of my own making, removed from the weighty opinions and beliefs of others.
I'd be lying if I said it's gotten easier since I've arrived. Quite the opposite - it's become even more difficult. I feel as if I'm internally at one of the lowest points of my life. My self-worth, confidence, and self-love have plummeted. Anxiety attacks are just under the surface, ready to breach, to shorten my breath, take over my body and mind. This is combined with a frustrating inability to be present, to enjoy myself, even after having made it to where I wanted to be.
Why? Why when, externally, things appear to be going so well, is there this profound internal battle?
I realized it's because I'm excavating the deepest layers of my life. I am fighting to remove layers upon layers of gunk that have piled up, preventing me from seeing and valuing myself, from finding and pursuing my own, unique path.
"Creativity means to push open the heavy, groaning doorway of life itself. This is not an easy task. Indeed, it may be the most severely challenging struggle there is. For opening the door to your own life is in the end more difficult than opening the door to all the mysteries of the universe." ~Daisaku Ikeda~
In seeking to find a path, and way of life, that suits me, that is not influenced or swayed by the decades of messaging that are ingrained into my identity and vision of life, I am indeed, trying to open the heavy door to my life.
Enter: Fear and Insecurity.
Fear and insecurity are not easy enemies to vanquish. They are constantly at the ready, able to spot the smallest moment of weakness and launch into action. I have allowed them to take over, to consume me. I have been operating from a place of fear - fear of rejection and fear of loss. These fears are formidable.
But...so am I and I refuse to allow myself to be debilitated by fear and uncertainty.
The realization that I am meant to live a different life, that I am meant to create something new, came to me last year. After years of trying to fit myself into the expected mold, to fit the image of who other's and society perceived me to be, I am creating myself and my life anew. I am exploring the true meaning of what it is to be human. I am returning to my creative self, a self that I have neglected for too many years to count. I am returning to my true self.
"To be human is much more than the mere biological facts of standing erect and exercising reason and intelligence. The full and genuine meaning of our humanity is found in tapping the creative fonts of life itself." ~Daisaku Ikeda~
So, this isn't a story of despair or fear. This is a joyful and challenging story of a journey to a place of absolute happiness - happiness that is undefeated by the inevitable struggles of life. It is a story of returning to my true self, of conquering the devils of fear, uncertainty, and doubt, and of moving from a place of self-love, compassion, and courage. It is a story of creativity - because is not every life of act a creative one? Do we not, in each moment, have the opportunity to create value, meaning, hope, love? Can we not fight our lesser selves that cower to despair or anger, and fight instead to create good?
