Unleashed

There are two selves residing within me.

The adaptable self is the one that takes on the interests, habits and opinions of the person that she is in a relationship with. She falls in line with that person in order to make the relationship work, mistaking it for compromise, unconsciously pushing aside her dreams and goals.

The independent self is the one that is bountiful and aware of her greatness. She is the one that throws herself into life and her own passions and interests. The woman who is confident enough to recognize the unlimited potential she has and take it and run with it.

While it may seem clear which is the better self to be, it wasn’t until having left my last relationship that I could understand the nature of these two identities. And I was finally able to see that my independent self, my true self, hid away each time I was romantically involved.

The trouble was that I wasn’t secure enough in who I was to see or understand my worth. I fundamentally believed that I was not an easy person to be with, that I was too much…too dramatic, too sensitive, cared too much. My flaws were constantly brought to my attention in my relationships, both non-romantic and romantic alike. Those comments stuck with me throughout my life. They stayed in the recesses of my mind and heart, a silent undercurrent of constant self-disparagement.

And so, for the past five plus years, I buried many parts of me. The parts of me that are so big, so full of life, creativity, sensuality, passion.

I forgot the sound of my voice. I doubted and questioned everything I did, said. I became uncertain of what I wanted, adapting my views to meet those of the person I was with.

Any remnants of my true nature were locked away in boxes because when they dared to show their faces, they were met with conflict and blame…and sometimes shame. My priority was to make the relationship work because to a certain extent I was happy…and in some ways, comfortable.

I didn’t comprehend what it meant to value who you are, and that being in a relationship means being with someone who does see that value while also giving you the space to be your whole self.

As challenging as it was to leave behind the familiar, time has gone on, and with it profound reflections and growth to take its place.

Now I am

Uncontained. Unrestricted. Unbridled.

I feel like a bird whose wings have been strapped down to its back and is finally free to spread them in all of their glory.

Finally, I have

S P A C E

to explore, grow, wonder, wander, feel.

Gratitude fills my very essence. Not only for this newfound sense of freedom, but also, yes, for this last relationship. Because, while it had its downs, it had many ups. Its challenges are what brought me here, to this moment.

More importantly, because of this experience I can now fully understand this: I am me. I am beautiful, bountiful, blissful. I am worthy. And I will not soon forget it.

I am

Unleashed