Stepping into Nudity

The tequila and lime helped keep the summer heat at bay in my good friend’s apartment turned photo studio.

We had just finished shooting some portraits and were sitting in a comfortable silence when he abruptly asked me if I would want to shoot some nude photos.

It was my last summer in New York City before moving to Spain. I was finally taking action in my life, striking out on my own path and leaving behind a strung out and complex relationship.

As the question hung in the humid air, it only took me a few seconds to realize that stepping out of my clothes and into my nudity made so much sense.

While not necessarily the most self-conscious woman in the world, I had begun to grow increasingly nitpicky about my body. I wanted to learn to embrace myself in all my self-perceived flaws. I wanted to feel powerful and own who I was at that moment in all senses of the word. Not just in what I was accomplishing, but in the essence and rawness of who I was.

Curiosity overpowered hesitation.

A fierce desire to love myself overpowered self-deprecation.

Knowing that this was someone I trusted, whose work I admired and that I may not have such an opportunity again, I undressed and became self-conscious right away.

We shot for hours, mainly because it took such a long time for me to become comfortable enough to relax.

Thoughts ranged from disbelief that I was modeling nude, to I need some more tequila, to, eventually, stillness.

After finally growing into the comfort of my body, we finished shooting and looked through the photos together.

I naturally began to critique everything that was wrong with them.

The folds of my stomach too obvious here, the scars on my legs too dark there.

But when I reminded myself of why I agreed to the shoot in the first place and I slowly began to see and understand the art I created.

I saw the beauty behind the way my hands draped over my knee, the birthmark on my eyebrow that stands out in contrast to my skin, the graceful pose that creates unique shapes that cannot be replicated by anything except the human body.

My body is mine, it is unique to me and who I am, what I've been through, what I've experienced.

My body has allowed me to do, and still allows me to do, many things.

My muscles carry the ability to remember how to defend myself from years of martial arts training, how to hike mountains, and how to play the keys of a piano.

My shape consists of curves that are similar to the woman who birthed me and they represent my multiple ethnicities.

My skin carries scars from childhood romps and tattoos with meaningful messages to remind me of the greatness of life.

My body is my vehicle for experiencing the beauty of this world, and for that it is inherently beautiful.

In stepping into my nakedness, I am able to understand and express more clearly who I am.

It wasn’t confidence that prompted me to do this photo shoot. Instead it was my determination to see and accept myself in all my glory and all my flaws, and because of that my confidence has grown.